North American society is often ill-equipped to deal with grief and loss. We are often uncomfortable talking about it or expressing our feelings. There is a perception that one should be able to just “get over it”. 

Below are some common pieces of advice you might hear after a loss:

• "You just need to let it go.” 

• “Things happen for a reason.” 

• “Accept it and move on.”

For some reason, grief must only be exhibited in "appropriate" amounts and for an "acceptable" length of time. If you exceed either of these, your family, friends, and colleagues could deem you weak, fragile, or overly emotional.

Unfortunately, this is not how grief works. 

It doesn’t fit in a box. It has no definitive time or order.

The 5 Stages of Grief

Mental health experts used to define the 5 stages of grief, as a fairly rigid framework of emotional responses that proceeded in a predictable order:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

These have since been revised. Today, psychologists and therapists recognize that the stages are fluid. One can move in and out of different stages at any time and for any length of time. 

Nevertheless, we still want to be able to take a pill, stick an emotional Bandaid® on it, and feel better. Unfortunately, grief is one of those things that if you try to stuff it down it just finds other ways to ooze out and spill over onto your life. Some examples are:

• physical issues such as headaches or stomach aches

• problems with sleep or appetite

• pushing people away or become irritable with everyone in our lives

disenfranchised grief.

There is an additional layer to losing a pet or animal in our care because society doesn’t assign the same value to an animal that it does a person. This is called disenfranchised grief. Research has shown that grieving a pet can often be even more difficult to cope with, but that isn’t the common perception. This makes it even more difficult to get the support and help you need to cope with loss. It also makes it difficult to reach out for help because even the mental health community doesn’t always understand your grief.

You’ve probably heard things like:

• it’s just a dog,

• it’s not even your pet,

• why do you care?

large-scale grief.

Grief in the animal welfare industry is all too common and often a daily occurrence. We call this large-scale grief. It’s very difficult to handle the trauma of death and loss on a constant basis, even for mental health professionals. You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed with it. Feelings generated can go beyond grief and may include anger, hopelessness, and despair. 

Some things you can do:

• Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself time and space to grieve. Some people find journaling or writing a “feelings letter” helpful. 

• Try to remember that people really just don’t know what to say to people who are grieving. Interpret whatever they say as them expressing love and concern for you. Even if their actual words don’t convey this!

• Find a way to honor the animals you’ve lost. You could do this as a group or individual. Some ideas include having a weekly few moments of silence, or planting a memorial garden.

• Join a support group and share with others who understand your grief. 

• Help create a safe space for others in your workplace or animal welfare circles to talk about grief and loss. 

If you are an animal industry worker who needs help coping with grief and loss, contact Carrie Raap at R+ Therapy in Tucson, AZ. Carrie is an online therapist with more than 20 years experience. Her therapeutic specialties include compassion fatigue, relationships, depression, and anxiety. She has numerous credentials, including a Master's Degree in Social Work (MSW) and a license in clinical social work (LCSW). She is a KPA-certified dog trainer and can help clients through use of animal-assisted therapy. Read a short article she's written on the topic of compassion fatigue, self care, and setting boundaries.