A new school year can often be stressful for both kids and parents, since it means a change in routine and expectations. A difficult transition can lead to family stress and conflict. However, following the steps below will help things go more smoothly and set everyone up for a successful school year.

1. Schedule a family meeting with all family member’s so everyone gets a say and is in agreement. Kids will buy into a plan much more readily if they had a say in it.

   
   

2. Have everyone brainstorm and come up with a list of expectations for back to school. Include things like screen time, social media, curfew, bedtime schedule, grades, attendance, homework completion, morning routine, etc. Make sure to include things your child already does successfully so they have a couple “easy A'‘s.

   
   

3. Pick the top expectations and focus on those. Too many expectations and everyone feels overwhelmed and defeated before you even begin. 10 is probably a good number to shoot for. Word the expectation in the positive. Ex: Instead of “no failing grades” word it as “maintain passing grades”.

   
   

4. Take each expectation and break it down so it is clear and specific. For example ,if the expectation is “good grades”. Define what “good grades” are. A’s and B’s, anything passing, or an overall GPA? What is the time frame to meet the expectation? Weekly, monthly, by semester? I recommend the shortest intervals that are feasible for everyone to keep track of. Shorter vs long term goals work better.

   
   

5. Decide on an incentive for achieving the expectation. We all respond better to positive reinforcement! Keep this simple and clear. For the example above the incentive could be an overnight with a friend on the weekend, 1 or 2 hours of screen time a day, going to the movies on the weekend, going out to lunch at a favorite restaurant, getting to stay up an hour later on the weekend, etc. Find what motivates your child and what you as a parent are willing to agree and commit to. Follow through is very important! Make sure you hold up your end of the bargain.

   
   

6. Determine what the consequence will be if the expectation is not met. Do this for each expectation and again, make sure this is clear and precise. Break it down as much as you can. For the homework example a possible consequence could be no video games until grades are back to expectation. Make sure you are clear on the time frame and how they will prove this. A note or email from the teacher? Do they have to wait until the next week when grades are updated? etc. Make sure everyone agrees to the consequence. An interesting note to keep in mind, children will usually give themselves a steeper consequence! Make sure it is fair and appropriate.

   
   

7. Write or type up all the expectations, rewards and consequences and have everyone sign it. Make sure everyone has a copy and keep a “master” somewhere visible. Depending on ages and abilities, you could enlist child to create a poster, either online or a poster board. and let them personalize it. Have fun and give it a catchy title.

   
   

8. Adjust accordingly. You may find that adjustments need to be made to the plan. You may find you need to add an expectation that you hadn’t anticipated or you may realize you need to change the expectation. You also may realize the consequences were too harsh or the reward too little. To make changes call another family meeting to discuss and agree upon the change. Have everyone sign again. You could make this an “amendment” or create a new list.

   
   

9. Have regularly scheduled family meetings to assess how things are going. What is going well? What isn’t going well? How can you as parents help them succeed?

   
   

10. Celebrate all your successes as a family! You could have a weekly success party and celebrate all the wins, or print out certificates and feature a specific success each week or month. Come up with your own family style of celebrating.

    
    

ADDITIONAL BENEFITS:

• By including your child in creating this plan you are getting their buy in which usually makes them more willing to follow it. This also helps teach them an important life skill.

• Knowing what the consequences will be ahead of time gives your child a sense of control and choice. They are making the choice to not follow the expectation, therefore, making the choice to accept the consequence. This changes the power dynamic of you forcing change and consequences on them just to be mean.

• Having the consequences decided ahead of time should improve all family relationships because it takes away a great deal of the arguing. It’s already been decided and agreed upon, no need to get emotional or upset, just calmly state the consequence and walk away. It also helps both parents to feel they’re on the same side and working together.

• Having clear expectations should eliminate a great deal of arguing and frustration to get the expectations met. You shouldn’t have to remind, nag and pester. They either meet the expectation or they don’t.

  
  

If you need help creating your back to school plan or with implementing it, please contact me.

Virtual consultation packages available if you would like additional support.

Carrie Raap with R+ Therapy in Tucson Arizona, is an online therapist with more than 20 years experience. Her therapeutic specialties include parenting, relationships, depression, and anxiety. She has numerous credentials, including a Master's Degree in Social Work (MSW) and a license in clinical social work (LCSW).